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All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.
Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love-as scholar's parrot may talk Greek-
But, self imprisoned, always end where I begin.
-C.S. Lewis | | |
| The best part about
being at the bottom of a well is that you aren't going fall any
farther. The immediate downer about being in a well is that you soon
realize that you won't be getting yourself out. Not since baby Jessica
in Texas back in the
80's have I heard of someone falling in an open well. Maybe its due to
the fact that we don't have open artesian wells just sitting around.
I'm not up to snuff on my well fall-ins statistics, but I think I would
be safe to say that it has a small percentage of happenstance for you
and me. Spiritually though? Oh man, this has got to be 100%.
Many have voiced concerns about my recent blog. Many of you encouraged
me and few have thanked me for writing it. Thank you. Through much
prayer, journaling, reading, and talking, the clouds appear to be
breaking up. I still am unhappy with me and God, but its better.
Through a conversation with a "grown-up" I have realized that I have no
real personal prayer life. I pray great for other people. I lead tear
wrenching prayers for the nations. I'm not talking about the 'ol
deacon prayer. You know the one where he downshifts into King James
Version. "Oh Lord, thou art so divine, and if yee would shed but a
small amount of grace upon the nations then they would change from
their wretched ways and serve You!" These aren't fake or contrived,
but are my heart. I am so passionate for God to
move in the nations and the Church. On the flip side, my prayer for me
is always short and I don't say much. I feel ridiculous and weird if I
pray out loud, but if I do it in my head I lose focus and think about
other things. I bring it back to the center issue for me. I hate a
lot about me and I perhaps feel unworthy of prayer for me. So when the darkness creeps in and I feel temptation beckoning I call out for weapons! I
know I should be praying for me a lot more, but for now its deliverance
from the things I hate and for me to realize my worth in His eyes.
Another thing I'm finding victory in is guilt. It's like Matt Chandler
says. We live in a world where we are bombarded by sound from wake
until far after we sleep. We wake up to music, listen in the car to
work or school, iPod it all day long, and vegetate at night. We set
our stereos or TV's to sleep mode so they will turn off after we are
fast asleep. Worse still, some leave them on all night. I believe
that we are afraid of quiet. In my life it's that quiet time between
when the lights go out and I fall asleep that this prosecuting attorney
pops into my head. He begins to berate me for my faults and failings.
"How can God use someone like you? You want to go into ministry, but
you can't even control your own body and mind? I know what you think
and do when no one else is here! You will never live up to His
standards and you will never be free of this junk!" He attacks until I
either pass out into sleep or I fall again, which gives him more
ammunition. Some would say it's my conscience or the Holy Spirit
convicting me. I would say you're wrong. I know that's not how He works, but someone else works this way. When
people talk about the devil or Satan, images come to mind of a red dude
with a pitch fork and stories told to little boys and girls so they
won't be naughty. He's relegated to the antitheses of Santa Claus. He's real! Scripture calls him the adversary or the accuser. He is the one who makes me question my worth! Hebrews ten says that the Law (being good enough) never saved anyone. If it did then the Jews would have no reason to keep sacrificing. It says that Jesus did what the law could not do. He paid once and for all times the wages of sin. There's no longer a need to sacrifice so now the High Priest (Christ) sits down at the right hand of God. There is no more need for "being good enough". I'll shout it if need be! THE LAW SAVES NO ONE! FOR WHAT THE LAW COULD NOT DO CHRIST DID!!!!! It says that the death certificate that was written for us was stamped "paid in full!" We now have confidence to throw the accuser on his face. We should stand up and ask "where are you Satan?" "What? I'm horrible? I do awful things? I am wretched? Guess what dude! I know! I am awful, but look what Christ did. His blood covers me, He is propitiation, and He is the satisfactory payment! Death you have no reign on me. Sin your sting is gone, so bring it on! What else you got? He is enough for me!" This is not new to me, but it is becoming revolutionary to me. Like I said I'm not okay yet, but I'm done trying to crawl out. I'm sitting in the bucket as he turns the crank. With every revolution I'm a little closer to Him and the light is a little brighter. Peace | | |
| Confidence is something that plagues me. Well more of the lack of it I
should say. I don't know if it is something that has come about
because of always being the fat kid or if it is consequences of sin I
struggle with. Sometimes I think the sin stuff is such a struggle
because of the low self worth. I don't believe in the existence or
satisfaction of self esteem. We were never meant to find esteem in
ourselves. Our confidence comes from the value God has in us. He
calls us his children and loves us so much that he did what was best
for us (Christ's death) at great sacrifice to Himself.
I
understand all of that and that is super duper, but honestly it isn't
enough. I know you're thinking "what utter blasphemy!" It's not
enough! I lead worship for youth and sometimes adults, am passionate
about missions and mobilization, full of wisdom and knowledge about
Christ. People tell me how great a job I do. People I really care
about esteem me. It's not enough. How do I know this? Well when
someone compliments me I just politely accept it, but inside I'm
screaming "if you only knew that I really didn't think it was so
great!" I don't deal well with criticism either. Whether it's
constructive or negative, I deal poorly. I get defensive with people
and when they are gone I break down. I pick up the beat stick and just
go to town on myself. "If I had just got that note right, or taken a
bigger chance and asked her out, or done a better job at work, or not
have had that late night snack!" Usually when I have turned my soul
black and blue I then turn it towards God. "Why did you make me this
way, why can't I be like him, and why can't you JUST LEAVE ME
ALONE!!?" "Why am I your personnel joke?"
I know this just
makes me look to be even less confident, but I believe Christians
should live transparent. Things aren't always alright. Things aren't always okay.
I am crappy, lacking in everything and worthless. I know the spiritual
answers. I know that God has a purpose for me, that I am talented and
gifted and that many people wish they could be like me. I praise God
for who he is and for what he has done, but in the same breath I
question everything I think he has done wrong in me and to me. Its
this paradox of serving a God who I know and love, but question for
making me like I am. I know what you are thinking Ben, but I am doing
such a piss poor job at containing the crazy as it is I'm just not
going to fight it anymore. Some of you reading this might see this as
a shock. To you I have succeeded with a masquerade for the
brokenness. My close friends see more of it. Two of you have seen it
even more and one has seen all of it on a truck ride to Chilies one
night. I'm not even sure why I'm writing it down for people to see.
Maybe it's so that people know that the "spiritual ones" have it
together even less than everyone else. Perhaps it's to be transparent
for the lost to know that Jesus doesn't mean all problems go away.
Mostly I just need people to surround me and love me and let me know
that I don't have to have all the answers to follow Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jason | | |
| I hate lies. I hate being made to feel a fool. Everyone but you is aware of the truth, but you are kept out delibrately. Its not a lie of protection , but of conveinence. Lying to protect yourself is bad, but lying so things are easier for you is the worst. What cowardace. I just wish I could disapear. I wish I was already in Fort Worth. It hurts the worst when its someone you think you can trust.
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